The Topic of Searching by Kristen

In the state of Illinois the legal age to search for birth relatives is 21. If you are not 21 you need your legal guardians/parents permission to search. Until this past January 4th I was not considered legally old enough to start a search for my birthmother/family through legal channels. I was adopted as an infant. I don’t remember a time that I didn’t know I was adopted. Searching never crossed my mind until I got the letters from my birthmother. The letters were date in January 1984. It was the first glimpse I was given of the woman who gave birth to me. I was loved. I was wanted. But I was given to a couple who raised me and gave me the world.
Before finding the letters that my birthmother wrote to me she was just a woman who accidentally got pregnant and cared enough to have a baby rather than have an abortion. This woman was young but chose to go through the pregnancy. She relinquished me to the Adoption Agency- Easter House. That was where the story ended. I was happy and content in my life. I did think about this woman from time to time but I wasn’t obsessively thinking about it. Adoption was just another facet of me.

The letters I received changed my perception of my natural mother. The letters and her selfless message changed my life. My natural mother isnt just some woman, she gave birth to me. She cared enough to carry me around for nine months and do what she thought was best for me, even though that meant giving me up. I hate the idea that Iwas abandoned. I feel like there is a difference between abandoned and given up or surrendered. The word abandoned to me reeks of being left out on someone’s doorstep and hoping for the best. I was given to a responsible loving couple, not left on their doorstep. Although it different it feels the same way. I felt unwanted even though I hadsolid proof I was loved and wanted. Over 21 years Ive grown up and come to understand that there is no nature or nurture debate, it’s a combination of both. I am a combination of my genetics and my nurturing family.

A simple selfless letter filled with love has driven me to search for my roots. I need something less abstract that words on paper to really know the truth. I knew, as I gazed deeply at these letters that I had to search. It became something that was a vague distant thought to a deeply driven, burning need. I knew, however, that it would not be easy.
As I stared at the letters, the handwriting, which was so very much like my own seemed like it was staring back at me. It was so dreamlike I was there but so many thoughts were going through my head that the physical world became somewhat separated from my thoughts. Alone with my thoughts I realized many things.

I wanted so very much to share my needs and my journey with my adoptive parents but I could never tell if they would be supportive of me or not. We never really talked about adoption beyond them spitting out some basic facts here or there. When I asked them questions I was never asking because they were not doing a good job parenting. I wasasking because I wanted to know my beginning. Sadly the parents who raised me are not the parents who were there at the beginning so there is a great deal of loss for all of us. They didn’t get to give birth to me and I didn’t know who had given birth to me. I feared hurting them not realizing that my need to search was about me and not them.

In reality searching isn’t a reflection of their parenting and by searching or not searching nothing was going to change the fact that they adopted me and could not have given birth to me themselves. I thought some more.

Next into my mind was having children of my own and the ”what ifs” What if I had some disease or bad genes or something else that I could pass onto my children? What if I couldn’t get pregnant? What if inherited something horrible that was going to kill me in an untimely manner? It was amazing to me that there were these endless, unanswerable possibilities because I was adopted. I thought maybe I would just not have children, no risks then. I don’t want to not raise a family. Again I realized how badly I needed to search.

I moved onto thinking of the family traditions that I had. I was raised Polish but my ancestral roots were Irish. My traditions don’t match my roots and my children would not be Polish because I was adopted they would be Irish. The law says I am Polish but my blood says you are an Irish Lass who doesn’t know the first thing about being Irish. This is not to say that the traditions I celebrated all my life weren’t important. I can celebrate both traditions but only if I knew about both. I felt a great deal of guilt as if I was turning my back on my adoptive family. I also realized that guilt was a pretty useless emotion, especially considering that I was not throwing traditions away I was adding to them so that they fitted the person that I was born as. While I want my family to realize it is not a rejection of them, I am not them and I do not take responsibility for the things that they feel about my actions. I am only responsible for my actions.

I thought about just going ahead and searching. I do not need to tell my parents I am a legal adult. I did, however, value the truth and honesty so highly that I felt it was important to tell them what I felt I needed. I have never liked that the adoption system has felt the need to keep my heritage a secret from me and since two rights dont make a wrong I knew that it was important to be truthful, at least for my personal journey. I dont think all adoptees should be required to tell their adoptive parents, after all we adoptees grow up and as adults our choices are our own just like any non adopted adult.

Why ask permission as a child would?

I realized that by feeling the need to talk to my parents that it was not solely about honesty and truth. It was also about needing some form of support. I needed to be understood and I needed to have my thoughts and feelings validated. I began reading and talking to adoptees online. I did not build up the courage to tell my adoptive mother I wanted to search. I just followed my gut. My gut was driven to go ahead and search, so I began without my adoptive parents support.
After I started to search I found that I was not fearless. I was terrified that my first mother was dead or dying. I have had so many people get sick and/or die since I was a young child. I know how fleeting life can really be. I thought what if something horriblehappened to them? I realize that asking unanswerable questions was really a block in moving forward and tried not to dwell on those what if questions. I also though that maybe I really wasn’t wanted even with the letters I had. I thought maybe they would not want to be found. I couldn’t think about an ideal reunion when the possibilities seemed to be so endless in terms of what might happen if I was able to make contact. I thought about my first mother with other children who replaced me and never knew they had an older sister. On one hand I felt that this woman, whoever she was owed me an explanation but on the flip side I didnt want to be made to feel like I was intruding.Walking into another familys life has big implications and opens up a world of issues. Issues that are not affecting just me and my parents but possibly my first parents, their other children and maybe even their extended family as well as my extended family. I felt overwhelmed but I put my names on the online registries anyway. I figured hey, if she wants to find me, she could do it with that, no responsibility on my part.

I’ve talked to many first mothers, not a single one did not want her child. The ones I have met are totally willing and hoping to find their child or be found by their child. This is not to say that there are no first mothers who feel so much shame and guilt that they refuse contact. I know of a few, who out of fear and terror refuse contact, but even those mothers are not rejecting their children. The refusal has always been about deep rooted fear, guilt and shame over what happened never about the adoptee.

Most young children daydream about having another mother when they are in trouble or have done something wrong. For me, as an adoptee, at those times I was daydreaming of a person that was abstractly real. I differed from my non-adopted peers. I imagined my first mother so many times an artist, a princess, the Queen of France, always an idealization of a person, perfect and beautiful in every way. I realize that while daydreaming is healthy and normal that no person is perfect. I also did the reverse, imagining a hag or a bag lady or someone with a very low mental capacity. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I figured not to have any real expectations would bebest and that if I could be reunited I would be meeting a real person not something or someone I dreamt up.

I moved onto thinking about my name. For 21 years I had one name. I have had the name my adoptive family gave to me. My name is not the name my first family would have called me by. I would be meeting someone who knew of me by another name. I am touchy about my name. I correct people constantly to get it right. It’s MINE, I like it and I define myself by it. Having two names from two families is strange. For 21 years my first family has referred to me by one name and I have called myself by another. Until I found the letters I was unaware of there ever being a name before the one I have always known. The name issue has bothered me since I found the letters and it still bothers me.

I have always known I was adopted. My parents did a good job of helping me to understand that I was loved and wanted by them but the unanswered questions about my past were pervasive. The questions were not something that cropped up once in a blue moon, no they were always there, lurking around every corner, everyday. I cant say I have never felt angry at having been surrendered. I am grateful I was given life.I would rather live with the pains and sufferings of life than to never have lived. I had minimized what she did for me until just recently. For almost 20 years she was just some woman who accidentally got pregnant and had a baby (who is me). That baby needed a good family so I was given one. It was that simple to me for a long while. My family was very good to me. I had no reason to hate anyone or to search for something more. I realize as I get older that this woman who happened to accidentally have a child was brave to give birth and carry me around for nine months. She very easily could have had anabortion but she didnt. She cared enough to give me life and the best should could to find a good life for me. She had enough love in her to walk around pregnant for nine months even though society looks down upon unmarried women and teen mothers. She was able to deal with the labels society placed on her for my sake not her own. Something about that makes a person question, if this mother did all of that then howcould she not want me, how could she give me up, how could she put me down in the hospital that day. I thought that given the letters I received that something else had to have gone on. My first mother said very clearly “do not ever believe that you were unwanted or that I didnt love you. You are loved and I wanted you”

Some adoptees never question their families. Searching is a deeply personal choice. I know I need to know as much as I can about my history and my heritage. There are many roadblocks from both sides for me as an adoptee. I hate seeing people in pain or hurting and feeling as though I am the cause of someones pain hurts me back. It is often very difficult to look at the adoption triad and stand up for what I need. I feel like adoptees often worry more about their parents adoptive and biological more than their own needs. It isnt any member of the triads fault that this is difficult for all of us.

There is always the possibility that first families and adoptees are searching for each other but that the two paths have not converged. The legal system makes searching in states with closed records very difficult. Most states do not open records to adult adoptees. There are very few options for adoptees who are searching to locate theirfamilies. Online registries and state registries only work if both parties are searching for each other. Adoption agencies often become unhelpful after the adoption is finalized. Private investigators can become quite costly and none of these can guarantee results.

There are many problems today with the adoption system. As human beings any system we create is our best attempt effort at it. It is not perfect. Closed adoptions are just harmful. Open adoptions and adoptions from foster care a different. What would the world be like if there was no adoption?

There are contraceptives today. They are more readily available but not always easy for people to get, and there is not always a perfect system for educating women and men about their options. There are not any good options for young, teen mothers who can’t care for children alone, not in America that is. The system still pushes them to either abort a fetus or surrender their children at birth. The number of families who can’t have children but desperately want them greatly outnumber the babies who need families, 100 to 1. The number of older children stuck in the foster system outnumbers the families willing to take them in as their own, 134,000 to very few. The situation is a sad reality. Our best attempt system is not working completely for us. Adult adoptees have no legal access to their birth certificate and other records in most states. Updated medical information is difficult to obtain because so many of the records are sealed for 99 years after the adoption is completed. By the time 99 years goes by I would be at least 101 years old and my first family would mostly be long dead. At that point the medical information is gone and useless. Medical information that was provided at birth is not always useful. When young women have babies at 16 or even in their early twenties the medical problem that run in their families may not have become prominent for them. Medical issues crop up later on in life and adoptees are often kept unaware of their current family medical information.

I need my medical information. I need my heritage. I want to know that I look or don’t look like someone out there, even if its really scary. I want to know about the events prior to my birth and those leading up to it. I have an incomplete narrative story of my life. I want to complete it as much as I can. While I am concerned for my adoptive and first families I am more concerned with me, my future and my future family.